MUSINGS

*Disclaimer*

This is somewhat of an unconventional experience report. It involves not so much the specifics of a certain roll but instead strives to illuminate extensive use has had on my psyche. It is my desire to give your readers an overview of how habitual ecstasy use has and continues to change my life for the better. I intend to break this up into sections as it will become what I have come to call my "Ecstasy Manifesto". If you decide to print any of it, I would ask that you print it all. While it is aderiaol, a prescription drug, that is inspiring this madness, it is E that has created the person I am today. This will be very long and will detail my life prior to and after my first pure E experience. It is a true tale of my life and times and each part is necessary to see why the drug is the most beautiful thing in the entire world, except perhaps for Bellezza, but that will come later. If you do not wish to post this as it will come off as somewhat obtuse when compared to the majority of your contributions I will understand, however I think this is the sort of thing you will, if not agree with, at least take to heart. In the interest of playing scribe to the drug underworld, I give you…

What is...

My name is Jonathan and I love MDMA. Although it seems somewhat childish to express my thoughts as such, no sufficient alternative words exist that more adequately fit the simplicity and the strength of the emotions and life this drug has given me. I have been what would one could correctly deem a "hardcore E-tard" for nearly four months now. That is, rolling off between 1-4 pills multiple times a week since September 30th. While this would appear excessive I have been able to sustain the purity of my rolls and my own mental health through a barrage of self-medicating steps and lifestyle choices that I will further define for those interested in making this drug a more routine part of a life made meaningless by omission. In order to stabilize seratonin production and create longer, harder, rolls the responsible e-tard should take 100 mg of the amino acid 5-htp each and every day of their lives. This protects against post-roll depression by providing more of the "raw material" the body requires to produce seratonin and maintain homeostatic levels. It is then a good idea to take at least one multi-vitamin a day. This helps your body recover from the stress of the roll. My friends and I prefer Flintstones chewables . No one said being responsible meant being boring. Following a roll, I will ingest orally 20 mg of Prozac, which is supposedly twice the normal dose although of that I am not certain, which blocks dopamine oxidization of the vesicles of my brain that can be attributed to loss of memory or other cognizance ability. Remember kiddies, Prozac kills a roll in about twenty minutes and must be taken within 6 hours of the peak to be effective. I then like to stabilize the "crazy chemical soup" that my body has become with at least 15 hours of sleep and 50 mg of Vitamin E, which serves as an anti-oxidant and a general pick-me-up. To the best of my knowledge, these habits as well as general health considerations, will allow you to roll better and with less painful side effects. That being said, allow me to delve into why I did such extensive research in the development of these methods.

What Should Never Be...

*Begin history lesson*

I am 19 years of age. I consider the last 3 months since I turned to be the most incredible of my life. My past is dark and filled with stories left for another day, however consider this. I realize now that I used to be a horrid human being. In high school, I subscribed heavily to the Machiavellian school of interpersonal relationship philosophy. "The Prince" was my handbook and bible. For those of you who are not familiar, it meant that I considered friends/family nothing more than a tool to feed my ambition and as a Means to establish some predestined End. I was incredibly popular in HS as well as very academically inclined. I was involved in Speech and Debate and Drama as my social outlets. I enjoyed incredible success in both. I fed my mind with chess; the team that I played third board for won Nationals my junior year. I took 12th overall out of nearly 1000 participants. I graduated 4th in my HS class of almost 900 students. I was nominated for homecoming royalty twice, though I would always do something crazy and lose it right around the time of the dance . Mr. All-American without a sport, right? Perhaps, but dear reader, consider this. I was also addicted to speed for nearly 6 months. I was also dealing cid by the sheet. Those were the days when sleep meant not getting something done. I tried to kill myself multiple times, three times with heroin (guess all the propaganda wasn't correct!), once with alcohol (Led Zeppelin bassist anyone? Remember John Bonham!), and once with a fifth of Jack Daniel’s and 50 or so sleep-aide Tylenols. I had four girlfriends I grew to hate, a drama-queen, a ROTC student officer, a Goth princess, and a cheerleader. Each relationship lasted roughly the school year and came to a close somewhere between prom and graduation. My entire life flowed with almost clock-like precision. With about four months left to my senior year, I gave up. I didn't make it to prom that year, although I could have ridden in a hummer-limo with my friends in Student Council. I came to the conclusion that my entire life thus far had been so incredibly devoid of true meaning and that I no longer belonged. While my "friends" spent their dying year together I all but disappeared. My parents had left me and I was living with a step-aunt who, to this day, I will never forgive for her painfully poor parenting skills. I fear for her child, and may yet take steps to correct that situation. Needless to say, school ended, I was more depressed than I can even begin to know, and things were only going to get worse.

---Colorado---

After I graduated, I went to live with my mother and father (step, technically, but he deserves the full title) in Colorado. I merely had to survive the summer because I had a full ride to the college of my choice and would move in when the dorms opened. I was literally without anyone except my ever-present companion and Brother (deserves that title more than you, my precious reader, could ever understand) Blitzschlag, and while he kept me sane; it was an arduous task. What happened to me there caused me to begin writing again but only because the pain of being all-but-absolutely alone left me a husk of what I was and lost in what I should become. I think I conversed with three people outside my family and Blitzschlag while I was there. I decided one day to return and take my chances with my mildly estranged grandmother. Everything seemed to work out, I got drunk often and partied more than I should have and yet while fun, it was still empty.

---The Dorms

The dorms then became available to Blitzschlag and myself. It was somewhere around August 15th approximately a week prior to classes beginning. Again, my old high school urge to divide and conquer, create factions, and emerge victorious, unscathed, from the rubble hearkened me to actions I thought would no longer be necessary. I was no different that the person I had been before I left, except scared from the intense depression. At this point in my life I hated it. I didn't believe in love, true feeling, or so simple a precept as joy. As always, I was fun to be around and I chose to continue the life of social repartee that I so enjoyed earlier. That is, of course, until the night of September 30th and the party called "Curious George Saves the Rave".

The Experience

I had taken pills before and I knew sort of what they did, or so I thought. However, I know now that surrounding is at least 70 percent of the roll, which is coincidentally why people love to roll at raves and clubs. I didn't have the same earth-shattering experience that night that my friends did. E was their respective first "real" drug and to this day I swear that whatever happened to them that night changed my life forever. The pills were pure MDMA pressed with a sassafras derivative. They each took 3/4ths a pill and being the e-tard I am, I took nearly 2. I recall the night as being fun for me; I met up with an old friend, made out, that sort of thing. I had changed without knowing, however, and was now and forever one of those nasty little "kandy kids". Raves progressed and I never missed a beat. Once a week was all I rolled those days and even then only at raves. I felt myself becoming more and more in love with those I partied with and started to, over the course of the ensuing four months, realize that there were people out there that were an End within themselves, which was Emmanuelle Kant's criticism on Leninism, and that while not everyone fit the bill, those that did were beautiful. Again, however, nothing earth shattering. Just a gradual warmth that increased in intensity with each roll, again, or so I thought. As the semester began to wane, it became more and more apparent that my darling L’eau, who began what would eventually destroy me, was going to leave for Christmas break. Oh well, I thought, I would see her again. It was about the same time when all of my kids got kicked out of line for a local party and we ended up back at the home of a gentleman named Genuino. I knew him as Part-e-boy from the scene and, well, the reason we ended up there was that he had a whippet cracker. Honestly, my life changed in ways I may never fully understand simply because Genuino had a cracker. Fate is a fickle mistress whose tricks often kill . Who knew? Anyhow, we proceeded to have quite possibly the most amazing roll party I have ever had the honor of attending. The details are circumspect. Suffice it to say, never before had some twenty odd college students had such an amazing time on someone's floor. I consider that roll to have truly opened my eyes. That next week was finals and Wednesday night after all was said and done, L’eau and I decided that the need existed for us to roll together once before she left. I rolled her for the first time at "Curious George Saves the Rave", but after having seen the power of roll parties, we decided we needed to have a talk. Perhaps it was that night I fell in love with L’eau, perhaps it had been there all along, I may never know, and yet it was that night, which was us just sprawling and talking, totally and utterly smitten with one another, that began what was to become the most intense month of my life. I had rolled with members of the opposite sex before, but it was always at raves and The Break of Dawn Principal (tm) would defeat any real feelings I had from the night before. The Break of Dawn Principal, drawn from the song of the same name, models the behavior of meeting someone at a party, hugging, rubbing, and kissing them all night long, looking into their eyes and in that moment loving them more than can be described by human construction. Then the last DJ finishes up, the lights come up, and you kiss your goodbyes and somewhere the sun is rising. Oh sure, you got a phone-number, but are you really willing to call it? Will they even answer? Cest le amour, they say, and the garden claims yet another victim. The week can get very lonely this way. At any rate, when the sun rose that morning, I took L’eau to the airport. Nothing had really changed, excepting, of course, the fact that we were no longer separate entities. When she left that day, it was as if a very piece of my soul, a soul I didn't know I had until it began to bleed, had been torn off and forcibly sent on its way. I ran some errands and drove more people to the airport. Then, somewhere around 5 in the evening when I was alone in my car, I cried. For the first time in my adult life I began to gently weep while waiting at a red light. My mother had raised me to believe that crying was a sign of weakness and not to be indulged in. What had gone wrong? What the fuck had this done to me? I love L’eau as I had never before loved a friend. Everything we had done together came back to me in waves and I realized that what I was feeling for her would not have been possible prior to my ecstasy-drenched semester. I mistook the feeling for romantic desire and promptly wrote her a massive e-mail on how much she meant to me as well as how I thought when she returned we should pursue something of that nature. Meanwhile, I had found myself spending faaaarrr to much time at Genuino's apartment and actually ended up living there the week after she left. It was strange; all these people were so much more real than I had first imagined them. At this time I was rolling about 3 times a week. Each roll was better than the last and each party left me feeling closer and closer to Genuino and his friends, whom I had just recently began to associate with. Apparently, Genuino was enjoying my presence as well as the night L’eau left he decided to roll with us with only four hours until work! While L’eau held my head as I was horribly sick, he decided that the five of us were going to start spending more time together. That night, after he left, he called and thanked me for one of the most wonderful nights of his life. He called what L’eau and I had beautiful and basically gave me back "the nod" I had given him on the previous week's roll party. It began to feel particularly surreal when at a rave the weekend before I left for Christmas (I was frying, btw, not rolling) I met up with none other than my old high school crush. She was rolling and we spoke of life and times but most importantly, of energy.

--Begin Aside

After my third real roll I was reflecting one night when I felt the presence of an extra personal energy surrounding me as sat amongst the trees of a set of fountains on campus. This has sometimes been referred to as "the vibe" of a party and yet it is so much more than that. This energy came from each and every aspect of the human mind and connected us as a people far more than can the effect of ANY drug, period. It was around that time of serious meditation that I learned to channel and focus this energy into usable patterns and to beneficial effects. It was a wonderful trick, created in the mind of a drug-addict to explain what it was he was feeling. I would take friends of mine out to these fountains to allow them to feel what I called "The World's Pulse". I swear to this day I can still see it flowing through parties and manifesting favorable coincidences for those of the correct mindset. I have shown many the red, vibrant, river coursing through all that is and the fact that any of this became mention with this girl was particularly mind-boggling.

---End Aside

I was shown what that energy really is, or at least a more palpable explanation for it. She told me of what is called Reki energy, or the force that was established between individuals of the Greater One at the time of their inception. I was frying, but the first time she channeled into me I swear by all that is holy I nearly blacked-out with the intensity of it. I was reminded of my promise to call her by the finely detailed piece of paper she written out for me. I then wandered off to ponder over just what it was that had been done to me. I had a particularly frightening drug experience that night at an after party that left me covered in blood and unsure as to the nature of my location. Needless to say, I needed a break. It was nearing time for me to return to Colorado but before I left, I had a wonderful dinner with my old crush that ended up with us talking at a sushi bar for nearly five hours. It was, again, beautiful. I was in a completely different arena last we knew each other and while I had desired her, the chances of anything occurring were slim to none. Or so I thought? Ahh, to the gods I offer what thanks I have. Ecstasy is a wonderful substance! My week in Colorado was spent on the phone and Internet with Genuino, who was quickly becoming incredibly close, my crush, L’eau, and Blitzschlag, to whom I owe more than can ever be written. Again, that sinking sensation of being somehow incomplete attacked my very core. It was not nearly as intense as before, however, and was almost manageable. I returned on a Wednesday to be picked up by Blitzschlag and Genuino. Those 45 or so minutes will remain some of silliest, and yet somehow important, of my life. We joked and caught up and I finalized advice from Genuino on how I should handle my crush's attentions. She and I had also become close since I left. I asked her how she would want to celebrate my return to which she replied a rolling party would be wonderful. I was nervous, excited, and thrilled all at the same time. The ensuing party would come to be one of the high points of my adult life. That Thursday night, I gave her two pills for Christmas only to find that she had given me two as well. It was the first time anyone had ever given me drugs with the intent I use them with them. That roll was beyond compare and without peer. Dropping two white octagons at 9:30 pm or so on a nearly empty stomach rolled me for 11 hours. We talked and laughed and kissed and everything was so fucking real that I almost couldn't take it. I ended up back at her house that night and we slept together. Nothing sexual, just fell asleep on each other. I don't know how many of you have been given an opportunity to wake up next to your high school crush a year and a half later, but coming from one who has, it was increasingly surreal. That night I told Genuino I loved him as well, for not only providing everything but for actually caring about whether or not I lived or died. Ironically enough, I would not until later understand the depth of what that would come to mean. Genuino was only the third person at which I have uttered that phrase, not in my family of course, the second being Blitzschlag. That morning, my crush spoke to me of how the night before had been one of the best of her life and although nothing could come of it, she would forever hold a place in her heart for me. This began a series of intense loves that while hurt, created the most perfect unity I have ever experienced. Following my incident with my ever-nameless friend, I attended another roll party in which I fell in love; it seems to come easier and easier these days, the next day. Some would say these feelings are not real because they are induced by drugs. To that I offer this, is not depression the direct result of a chemical imbalance in the brain? Happiness is merely a product of seratonin. All we are and all we feel are animalistic and no matter how we try to reason it away, we are still subject to the daily flux of chemicals into and out of our brains. Reality is a trick of the lighting and whoever is in charge gets to decide what is right. Consider that next time someone tells you it is wrong to do drugs. My love that Friday night was a wonderful girl just recently out of a messy relationship. I helped her to piece through it and had some fun in the process. However, in the end she wanted nothing to do with me, at least not in that respect. It is of note, however, that her roll was particularly speedy and I "took" some of her energy in order to allow her to sleep. Five minutes later she was sleeping and, as usual, I went home alone.

---New Year's

By the time New Year's Eve descended I was almost fed up with E. Hard to say, but I was tired of loving so intensely and finding nothing returned in the morning. I have learned, however, that it is one of the many dangers of being alive. Really, truly, alive as opposed to the fake sort of half-life I had experienced prior. That evening we (the conglomeration of mine and Genuino's respective groups) all attended a rave downtown. A friend of mine had also just recently broken up with her boyfriend and was having a very bad roll. I attached myself to her, fed her positive energy, and cuddled her in an attempt to drive out what was ailing her. It worked, and again I think I may have fallen in love. I knew better this time, however, and allowed it remains very casual and low-key. It was wonderful! I felt as if nothing was expected of me and I could just be with her in that moment. When the ball dropped nearly twenty of us burst into hugs and while I had only really known one or two of Genuino's friends prior to that night, after that moment I knew each of them individually and I loved them all. As it stands, when the clock struck midnight, Jon Bishop was spinning a high-energy set that had just about peaked. That music, in addition with the love of all these people around me, the genuine love mind you, I was immersed in an amber sea of contentment. It was, to that point, the happiest moment of my life, period. As the night grew young, we retired to the house of a gentleman whose name I cannot recall, and had yet another roll party. Another beautiful experience, and I knew then, even though my roll wasn't particularly long or intense, that I had found the people I was to spend the rest of my life with, my True Family. Granted, by this time I figured I was doomed to spend the remainder of my life chasing the love that I felt while I was rolling with someone that wanted me there, however it was a small price to pay for the quality of friendships I had found myself daily engaging in. Everything seemed amazing, alive, and so surreal. I had, by this time, rolled about 20 times since September. I was neither losing love nor was I depressed. The drug had changed my life, all the while changing me such that I would be able to accept it. Genuino was now part of my family, if that even does justice to what had occurred. Not a day went by that didn't find Blitzschlag and I at his house, just enjoying being stupid. I thought that that was it. Everything had come together, I had learned people were precious and worth everything I possessed and more still. They were not a Means, they were the ultimate End! I had learned to love and trust and standards I used to make of friends of mine (they are a reflection on me, you know) had been blown to shreds and reassembled. Life was a glass pyramid balanced upside down on a windy mountaintop, or in other words, perfect.

--The Darkness

With the light must come the dark. One cannot exist without the other. All the love and PLUR and friends I had gained were coming nigh with a terrible cost. I was becoming malicious, my thoughts in this week had turned to my own loneliness, romantically, and how perhaps I would never find one who would return the love I now knew I could give her. I was approaching something terrible and beautiful, something that may have destroyed all that the last two months had done for me. I had again turned to dark poetry and darker thoughts in an effort to bleed off some of the build-up that had been looming. Perhaps something in me found all the love empty, drug-induced, effectively a grisly facsimile of what it had once been. My life was spiraling nicely towards oblivion. It was very nearly poetic.

--Bellezza

It has been said, "pride cometh before the fall" however I think more accurate would be "the deepest darkness cometh before the most radiant light". Last Friday night the single best possible thing that could of happened to me did. I was introduced to the most dangerous person in the entire world. Genuino had feelings for this girl, Bellezza, and wanted to spend time with her. The obvious answer was to throw a roll party. I was a bit disillusioned with roll parties, these days, as while they created life, they hurt so much afterward. I am not speaking of E comedown or post-roll symptoms. I speak more of the emotional pain of being one hell of a roll toy, but not exactly boyfriend material. However, I wanted to help make this special for Genuino, so I figured I would have some fun with the people I loved. On the drive to fetch this creature, I sat brooding on the nature of what is and what should never be. Upon arrival at her home, I was introduced and an instant connection was made. Funny, I had nothing in my system yet? Ah well, just my mind playing with me. On the way back, I started speaking of everything and anything. She sat drinking in every word I spoke. From my family to my drugs to the therapeutic value of ecstasy to the energy I feel when I channel into someone, I spilled a good portion of my life to this girl I didn't even know! I told her of my pain, my joy, the demons within and the darkness without. The car ride was one of the best I have ever had! When we got to the party, I convinced her to roll with me. It was a divinely inspired act, and I will maintain that until the day that I die. The things we spoke on that night! It nearly brings tears in the simple recollection. She spoke of true love and long-lasting relationships and possibly even marriage. How could someone consider my warped persona as potential husband material? Something was horribly wrong, it had to be. How we got on the topic, I will never know. That night found me in tears for the second time in my life, only this time for sheer happiness. I spoke to Genuino about it, because I knew of his feelings for her. It was then that he proved that he really did love me and was willing to sacrifice for me something valuable. Not only did he approve, but he was also incredibly happy for the both of us and even promised to help me break her up with her boyfriend. What? Her B-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d?

----Rock Bottom

Rolling, I proceeded to continue to have a wonderful night with Bellezza. The best of my life, actually. It was almost like I refused to believe what was being said. How could a girl so perfect come with so damaging of an afterthought. As is typical of many relationships, she was not happy with what was occurring and though she knew she could be happier else ware, she clung to what she thought was love. As usual, I lose a game I didn't even agree to play. However, all the wonderful things she told me must give me some pause, right? Everyone swore that she was honest when rolling and not to worry and everything will work itself out. Well, everyone except one of Bellezza's friends that mentioned to me, while fighting the swell of a bad roll, that there is NO way should would ever leave her boyfriend and that I should just leave before I got hurt. It was a bit late for that. Later that morning I found myself driving them home in utter silence. I have never been so fully depressed in my entire life. Even when she left, telling me she loved me, it struck like a single shaft against a fortress of ice. The drive home helped, although I knew I wasn't going to be able to attend the rave my friends were going to that night. The day that followed was the worst of my entire life. I slept until it would have been time to get ready for the rave. Then I awoke, took a shower, and played video games for at least an entire day. I had given up, I hated emotion, I felt nothing because the pain was too much. Sunday, I spent with my True Family at an impromptu rolling party that probably saved what was left of my life. I was so happy to just be with friends and roll and not worry about waking up tomorrow with a broken heart. I thanked you all for that before, but I just want to reiterate here. I love you all so fucking much and I want you to try understand what mere words cannot portray. Monday I was better, I cannot recall what I did, it was unimportant.

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn

Tuesday and Wednesday were about returning triumphantly to the dorms that had become my only real home. I started back up at work Wednesday and figured to hell with it all, it was time to go back to school. How was I to know that not but 20 hours ago that, out of pure joy, I would be penning an impromptu chronicle of my life. Excuse me, but as always, I get ahead of myself. Wednesday I was informed that Bellezza found it strange I had not called her recently. Genuino, you are a tricky bastard! Needless to say, I was all but ordered to call this girl soon lest I lose something I may never again have. I didn't know how such a thing could be possible, as I had no phone number, until I checked the Phonebook function on my cell. Lo and behold, not one but two numbers I had all but forgotten about. This is where the aderiaol, an ADD medication that can be taken in large doses to simulate a roll, comes into play. Knowing what I needed to say and not having the necessary courage to say it, I removed emergency stash of this drug, 4 and 1/2 pills, promptly snorted more powder than can be healthy, waited for it to hit, and called her. To the gods above I still cannot fully comprehend the nature of that phone conversation. As you know, rolling is very nearly synonymous with saying everything that is on your mind. Even when you know you shouldn't. I explained to her, in depth, how I felt about her. I covered points on how I felt she understood me and how even though things between us could never be, I would forever hold her dear. I told her, truly, that she had touched something within me that was, until that time, previously unstimulated. This girl had, in one night, destroyed my fortress and taught me how to really feel. Even now, I am having a very difficult time maintaining composure. One would expect that this most perfect of creatures would scare at my attentions, think me crazy, or just plain blow me off. I certainly did. However, these days’ things are never quite as I plan them. While she told me that nothing could come of us just yet, she said someday they WOULD. Not COULD or MAYBE, but WOULD. It is just that she could not leave her "normal" high school life behind, now, for that which I call life. However, she said, I too had shown her something she cannot ever forget and that we are destined to be together. There is more but I cannot recall entirely as my own inability to accept the situation became too much to control. I have never before felt what I did on that phone. She was accepting. Simple, easy, and yet so very hard to find. As it was, the hour-long phone conversation with her spawned an additional three hours of other conversation with Blitzschlag and Genuino, in which I gushed. Literally. I felt more tonight in the last 10 hours than any man deserves in his entire life. I know Genuino had a huge hand in creating this for me and that is almost more than I can take. He gave up someone he had feelings for because he felt like her and I had something more intense. I may never be able to repay him for what he has all-too-willingly done though I know that he would never even think to require such.

And finally....

The Conclusion

Individual ecstasy experiences pale in comparison to what it has done for my life as a whole. That is why I chose the drug of the experience to be aderiaol. What ecstasy has done for me is allow me to actually feel. I am a human being, with emotion and desire, no longer just an entity of ambition and greed. I have seen it written that certain individuals lose the magic of E and, even off the drug, their highs aren't as high, and their lows are exponentially worse. I attest this to bad practices which is why I offered my own personal habits from the very outset. My highs have become astronomical since I have started taking E. The lows are intense, granted, but at least I am fucking alive! My manifesto covers merely a three month span of time and yet to peruse it is to see numerous references to, “the best moment of my life” or other such similar exhalations. Had my life prior to ecstasy been so bleak? Yes, it had. There is a reason MDMA was originally a prescription drug. I have learned from my experiences a lesson not one thousand classes could teach. I started writing again because I now have the inspiration I thought I lost somewhere in Colorado. I want to include what I wrote of Bellezza somewhere between midnight and morning of the worst day of my life. For your consideration…

"What is and what should never be"

A darkness descends, twilight a cloak of amber-like ink draining scorching pain with a soothing as gently remember as a kiss from a dream....

She stands, somewhere between this world and ancient cities gilded haughtily against a canvas of spun time, and though her presence was felt like searing desire summarily unburdened by the need to be real, distanced from light I cannot grant her substance....

Defined from chaos, left shivering from the weight of what has just occurred, I look to the orb of thought while my mind dances half-way between what is and what should never be....

Shimmering phantasms coalesce betwixt a soul made mad by omission, esoteric whispers meant not for human ears guide a hand unshaken by its own fallibility to deeds controlled not by a man, but by man's desire....

Faces swell and dot my consciousness, though cognizance stands as a sweet but half remembered state of being, and from the darkness that borne my misanthropotic adventures the cursed light again surfaces....

Oh manifestation of my fear, I command you thus, speak to me across the years and force an instant of life from my empty frame....

Make for me a world of glass and cities of crystal, talk to me of love and war, provide a warmth against the chill within, sing to me of beauty beyond compare and of a pain without depth, do these things unto to me and I will forever belong to you....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ecstasy has given me back the ability to do that. Regardless of whether or not you agree with me, my story carries with it the need for examination. Keep in mind that nothing is wrong if done out of love. Also know that once you know, you can never go back.

Yours Forever in Spirit and Love,
Jon




Wow! I envy Jon's ability to pour out such feeling in his writing. I'm really feeling this article. Good luck Jon.

(Rave safe peeps!)
Penguin
Lord_Morpheus_@hotmail.com




I like you have many an E-xperience thay has put me in a state that normally would not have happened with out such a chemical. I don't remember my first roll or the time before it(probably because it was 6 years ago and my illicit drug use is a little accelerated since I got a job that I could afford it ;). I know that I was not trully alive because I'd been on Prozac since I was 11, and now no longer take it (unless I'm crashing off a roll).

P.L.U.R. from one E-tard to another and all
NID
quatrekl1@netzero.net




This beauty is only posessed by the ones that might of once called themselves disciples of Venus. I have never done E in my life. Yet I know you have finally found out the true nature of the being entitled human. Blessed be in your search dear friend for what really matters. I personally dont believe that it was the drug that cleared your vision but none other than.. true love...True love makes colors seem real and vivid and alive. Simple things become real complex yet to the next still remain dull and boring. So you see my friend it is love, the E just opened the door for trust, and trust opened the door for LOVE. people have laughed but it is true women see things different than males. Why do you think women find silly things cute or could spend hours walking through a garden and enjoying the life pulse in which you experienced near the fountian.

It is the same reason women fall in love easier than men. Next you take a dictionary and look up the word effeminate. They say that this word is more often associated with females than men. It means: marked by weakness and excessive refinement. This could be a stereotypical statement but I think upon closer inspection by those capable this ends up more or less true. Why?? because you are weak if you know real love. It is too beautiful to pass up and that leaves you more susceptible to harm. Especially if you are looking for love. I am...a male by the way I just happen to be one of those special ones that came out more feminine than the rest. Thats how I can compare living as both...which is being a guy and thinking like a guy with a real feminine approach.I am also a witch.. those people usually figure life out in a sense when they learn to channel, that is, Astral Projection. Well my friend Im gonna stop kickin the dead horse but remember...We are all beautiful in the house of god... Its all the ministry of it. Stay in love and stay real Much love brotha.... Urex Von mezarovich the 7th of Venice Copla...127

Dioni
oddiseus@azstarnet.com




seek help. learn how to express yourself without drowning yourself in E. you're a smart dude, but taking the wrong path. nothing wrong with a pill every now and then, but your social and communication skills will suffer til you come to terms with defining who you are and what you really want out of life.

sigh...




This article is very touching and though you seem to understand how to love now, you don't completely understand what love is entirely. Love is an emotion that should be respected and understood not by a series of one night stands but of mutual respect and ever growing care for a person you can see yourself with everyday for the rest of exsistence. Love is a very powerful word and i do believe that you felt love for your close friends mentioned in this artcle, for i to have friends that i have become very close to with the aid of rolling, however, i do not believe that you could have loved the girls you spent only one night with. Rolling definitley causes a bond with the people you encounter but it does not indicate love. Would you say that you loved someone you have never seen before? Rolling is just the same as not seeing someone. Two people may be able to bond while they are rolling because ectasy increases a person desire to love and be loved. What happens when the drug is gone? Will the person be as loving or as happy as you would like to remeber them as? They could be entirely different and you could be "loving" a figment of your imagination. Someone you thought was perfect, actually was not at all what you thought (it can be painful to find out the truth). As for you Jonathon, I truely hope with all my heart that you find someone that you can connect with without the use of drugs. I believe it can take time but take my word for it after my many one night stand type deals they are not worth it. Love is a drug much better than e and you don't need drugs to maintain it. Its all natural

stephanie


I don't think love needs to be "respected" or "understood". It only needs to be "felt". Unfortunately, respect and understanding have become two of the many 90's cliche' words that are thrown around on white trash talk shows more than chairs and fists just for a cheap applause. Love is far more pure and poetic than that. It's like the smell of wild honey caught on a breeze or the taste of morning dew on a sunflower. It's just a reactive collection of our senses and it's far more chemical than logical. And just like any other reaction, it can change over time. It could even turn to hate. You can't always avoid that. But you can always be true to your love by not squeezing it into a social formula. Let it grow and fly free. Let it wonder and learn. And if it decides to leave you, let it go or it will surely turn to poison - or worse yet, a sterile and mutual compromise. Don't worry, the sweet residue of true love will last you longer than you'll ever need.

As for drugs. They can kill you or they can make your life better. Just like love, you have to let them be what they really are instead of what the status que claims. They are chemicals, neither evil nor devine. If you are honest to your feelings, you'll let them go if they turn to poison and hurt you. That way, you can always remember and cherish the good times you had instead of becoming a cardboard cutout government poster boy on some talk show or an anti drug ad, regurgitating words that someone else poured down your throat.

Ramy




It is what us ravers would usually call early, but i have to be up at 5 a.m. Jon, I first pursued this article to find a way to stabilize seratonin (5-htp)but once I actually started reading your story, I became you, I am you. I haven't even finished it yet and I know how it will turn out, or I'm hoping it will turn out that way because we are living the same life. I think everyone has felt your emotions and feeling of utter joy about ecstasy and can't put the TRUE feelings we feel into words. You did, perfectly. I just told my friend the other day, I feel like I am finally finding my people, my clique, RAVERS!!!!! And to let everyone know out there, you don't need E to enjoy a rave, don't get me wrong, it's an experience of a lifetime, but the connection that you feel at a rave, can't be made anywhere else, rolling or sober. We are the 21st century hippies, peace, love and hard-house!!! I'd like to hear from you Jon, have A lot of questions for ya.

P.S. - Don't let L'eau get away, I let the woman of my dreams go back to Italy, biggest mistake of my life!!

Rob
DexStJoc@aol.com




WOW...I read your article and I must say you expressed your feelings really well. I must say I have never tried ectasy but my ex fiance' did and that is what ruined us in the end. He was and is the love of my life and he is now addicted to it. He also said only people who take it can understand it. I dont understand anything about it except the fact that it changes who you are. I changes your life and your concern for the things that really should matter. I am someone who has been thru hell and back with some recent things that have happened in my life and I am nothing but stressed. There was a time when I thought I needed to settle for that or something closer to that to help me deal with life. Although a real good friend of mine is doing E now too, I dont agree that a "drug" is a "good" thing for you. If it was I think first it would be legal and second it would be accepted as a drug for depression and healthy in the end. I dont understand how a drug changing you can be for the better. Exspecially when you feel love and and all of these things, these are natural things that come from you heart not from something that is being instilled in you. It is really funny but most of the people I know that are doing this E thing are people who have told me of terrible things that have occured in their lives or things they are not able to "live" with. Remember God never gives us more than we can handle and it is a shame when someone needs a drug to take them out of the "real world" and put them self in a world where nothing matters and the feelings you are feeling, you cant tell if they are from the drugs or from inside you. Then you think you are in love with everything around you??? It just doesnt make sense...if it was actually a perfect world out there, I would believe people would fall in love everyday all day because where there is no problems there are no obstacles, no financial problems. I admire the way you came out with your feelings on this subject and I am no way saying that you know nothing about love or your love is fake. I believe you are in love. I just knwo from experienece of watching my ex and my friend, that on ectasy it does what it says on most reports about it, changes you and puts you in a PERFECT world. And if the people around you are rollin...ya I think its possible to "think" you are in love...but what happens later in life you stop rollin or when you are too old to remember to roll...who will be by your side when you pushed everyone away from you that you love or that loved you? Like your mom, the love of your life, its really a shame!!! Thats what I went and am going thru!!! Thanks for your story, it was touching...

Stacia
StaciaMari77@yahoo.com




THIS IS THE LIFE AN E-TARD NOT A RAVER!!! Youve been going to raves how long and still dont know the meaning of a rave?Its the music NOT drugs. This is the same mistake a bunch of people are making and its going to destroy the whole rave scene. I cant wait until it goes back ungderground and all the e-tards are thrown into clinics for their servere dillusional depression. Then raves will be united once again.

Raver4life




I'm 36 years old and have never tried ectasy nor will I ever do it. No matter what mood you are in for love or whatever, it is a drug and slowly deteriating your brain. My brother 29 years old has been "rolling" off and on now for a year and his experience has led him to greed in buying/selling and doing it. He has lost some of his memory, has depression and major paranoia. Is this all worth it? Also, I understand people are not just taking X orally but has been taken in a manner called plugging which is used like an anul supository which increases the high quicker. I would like to know more where I can help my brother becoming clean again feeling good about himself that he doesn't have to take this drug or any other illegal substance to feel good about himself. If anyone has any information please let me know. thanks, a concerned sister

Anne
redwine558@cs.com




Jonathan,

I deeply feel sorry for you living a lie. Tho, I do agree with basically every single word you have stated, E will soon show its very ugly true face. I have felt the love you have described. I felt if for almost 3 years. I am an old-school raver since 93. All of my crew, has described and felt the love you have. Did you ever hear the saying, "If it's only 99% true, than it's a lie?" E, is a lie my friend. It is a truly evil drug. All of the "New-Age" ravers like yourself, are at even greater danger simply because of all the dirty, "bathtub E" that floats around parties now. ONE BAD DOSE, thats all it will take, and I don't care how much prozac, or 5-htp you take, you will have permanent brain damage. ALL,100%, of my crew is now on Zoloft or Prozac or in a doctors office 2 times a week. E is a lie, PLEASE stop now, you may be able to live a normal life. "IF IT SOUNDS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE, THAN IT PROBALLY IS!"....Right? Take care.

"E"vil
mecca_of_wisdom@yahoo.com




Dear Jon,

Be careful with love- sometimes it's best actually to do nothing with it but feel it. It's lovely like that. Be careful of those Machiavellian tendencies, my friend!! Sounds like Kant is your antidote. Enjoy

D.S.




I was truly touched by your story. i am a firm believer that one does not "fall" in and out of love. we are all one, and can all love one another, and therefor have always loved each other. it just shows up in different forms, shapes, colors....and sometimes people stray from the purity, and try to nail it down and keep it all to themselves. you cannot have expectations with love, yet know that there will always be an infinite amount of it.

i have done my share of e, yet never abused it. i've been in the scene for 2 years, and probably haven't dropped as many ills as you, yet have found love 10 times over. this may sound cheesy and sugar coated, but it has been true for me; love yourself first, and love will come to you. it's just how things work.

i'm not saying you should never roll again, but DO be careful, and be modest in your usage. you may be fine now, but 10 years down the line you may be some lost soul with no memory...who knows cuz there aren't too many long term studies on it.

one last thing to share with you that has changed my life; the book "conversations with god" by neale donald walsche. this is incredible, and has so much spiritual guidance within it that it will blow your mind.

i wish you the best in life and in love with light,
Lauren




I read this not knowing your name, and realizing as I started to read you sounded more and more and more like my exboyfriend, Jon. At the end, it creeped me out to see you have the same name. Good luck with stuff. You're one of the smartest drug addicts I've ever encountered.




I really like your story.and i think u r right.im 15, and i used to be a gangsta untill my homeboy took me to his older brothers house.and his brother is 19 and has been doing it for 2years wit his wife.and that was the first time i did ectasy.i was so energized wit the glowsticks and a kind of music(techno)i had never heard before.that was the best experience of my life.Now im totally into that music and goin to rave parties,I dont like Rap no more or nono of that bullshit.I said "fuck the weed and the crack".i found me some new shit.a lot of me friends think its weird because i used to be a crazy mexican gangsta gurl but im a RAVER now.-A.E




I would love to talk to you, be it through chatting or emails. Your story was great. I experienced my first true rolling experience two nights ago on my 19th birthday. I found it to be great. I hope to hear from you and wish you all the best in life. Remember life will always get better no matter how bad.

tarynjdavid@hotmail.com




I'm a canadian boy born and raised on the vancouver island i lived in ontario for a year with my cousines who slang ALOT of coke i've moved through every drug you could probly imagine from the naturals salvia, pot, opium, sass,mushrooms all that shit staight through the chem and rather quickly through the pharmaceuticals chasing the ultimate high. one day i just kind of woke up looked at what i have been doing with my life looked at my police profile i have been arrested over 50 times in the past five months but lucky enough and smart enough to pull my ass out of the fire, and i realised chasing highs is just lying to yourself I was still dealing although not doing drugs and i started to see how sick these people really are i was and am the leech that stole their life blood i've put unimaginable amounts of people over the edge sold them too much and they od'd or it was to potent and they went insane if you want this to happen to you continue down your life path man i wish you the best of luck but unfortunately for you i don't know your situation your more likel to make yourself a vegetable from bathtub E or acid i have manufactured the shit moved the shit done the shit thats what it is is SHIT i've seen people literally eat shit for what cost a chemist .10$$ to make your best option is to find someone who cares deeply for you without having to use drugs to stimulate those feelings chasing a high is chasing a lie why would you lie to yourself??? why? honestly ask yourself that question and pull up every answer your mind can possibly produce right it down and LEARN yourself why waste what little time you have to find true love? i'm not done but i have some kickboxing to attend to and a date have a great night




I absolutely loved the story..i feel like i'm going along a road not so unlike yours...i would love to talk though, concerning love, please email me at hypershock7@yahoo.com

 




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